By Cal Widdall
Even a simple trip to the convenience store can become a confusing journey to a strange, mystical land in Japan. Here’s a look at twelve bizarre offerings common throughout Japanese conbinis (for Part 2 click here).
Looks great until you read the name. There used to be a chocolate filled version too, which was even more visually upsetting. This variety is how we imagine the gingerbread man’s innards would look if he’d been tortured Braveheart-style in that scene from Shrek.
Tastes: Delightful. There’s a reason why other similarly terribly named Japanese treats like Asse have withdrawn from the market but Collon has stood the test of time.
Slat’s are all glitzy and orange, like the gyaru girls on the perfume counter of your nearest department store. They grab your attention with looks that promise a good time, but is this really what you want? It’s getting late, isn’t it about time you settled down with a good bottle of wine that actually gets you?
Tastes: Bubbly and satisfying on a purely physical level, with a lingering sense of shame.
BLACK BOSS COFFEE
Ever wondered how your life would be if you were a different race? I have. If I was dark skinned I’d be suffering from insomnia, heart palpitations and a number of other caffeine related afflictions because I’d drink nothing but BLACK BOSS. This is the drink 50 Cent wanted to release, not some camp, fruity water. BLACK BOSS, all caps.
Tastes: Like a boss.
Sweet Cream Sand
Ah, that sweet, sweet cream sand. We’re pretty sure this was supposed to be ‘sandwich’, but some creative character in the marketing department (whose office renowned English skills stem solely from the fact he got an A in high school) insisted that ‘sand’ was far trendier, like, way more chillaxed.
Tastes: Less coarse than we’d imagined, perhaps even hoped, and pretty disappointing all round. Just bread with cream and a snazzy name.
Nutcream Flavoured Pocky
Pocky in your mother’s favourite flavour.
Tastes: Fantastic, actually.
Egg in Sludge
A single egg suspended in a thick black ooze, symbolising man’s dark, lonely existence. It’s no wonder Japan’s suicide rate is so high when Egg in Sludge confronts people with a stark representation of their bleak, meaningless survival on this planet each time they pop to the shops to buy milk.
Even worse, the packaging resembles one of those drip bags used to store blood and we can’t help but imagine it having been discarded outside a Roppongi sexual health clinic.
Tastes: Difficult to tell through the salt of those tears flooding down your face.
For Part 2 – featuring Pickled Octopus, a Tiny Cup Of Beans, and The Tears of a Puppy – click here.