J-pop Star Anna Yano Proves Sailor Suit Old Man Isn’t Just a Meme

As ever, we strive to bring you the latest entertainment news. Especially when it heralds images so cute that koalas just give up all together and start punching passers-by in the ribs.

The latest to fit this niche is Anna Yano. Anna Yano is an up-and-coming J-pop star who recently released “Shape my story,” the opening theme song to Stella Women’s Academy, High School Division Class C3. Stella Women’s Aca… uh, SWAHISDC3, is a new anime continuing the proud Japanese tradition of naming things in a long, starkly unmemorable fashion.

Anyway, Sweet Anna has never heard of ‘whispering’ before. In this fantastic featurette, Anna showcases her new video which begins with her saluting the audience from a giant bed. The song is catchy with an anthemic chorus that is pure J-pop gold.

Someone tell her she's confusing the purposes of lollipops and microphones.

Someone tell her she’s confusing the purposes of lollipops and microphones.

After a while of watching the video, its voyeuristic charm begins to take its toll and you start to feel like a lonely man in a maid cafe, crying into some triple-chocolate ice cream while a man dressed like a Cabbage Patch Kid chain smokes next to you.

Fortunately, this illusion is dispelled by the very real appearance of Old Man in High School Girl Clothes! Yes, we’d seen him in that infamous meme but had presumed him to be from the same realm as unicorns and honest political broadcasts.

It's like the video's producers had a window into our most lurid fantasies.

It’s like the video’s producers had a window into our most lurid fantasies.

But here he is, clear as day, offering his wisdom and cross dressing encouragement! If you skip to 4:43 in the featurette, you can witness Sailor Suit Old Man doing obscene poses for your viewing pleasure. Fortunately, Anna doesn’t seem perturbed by his brazen come-ons.

At 5:53, there’s an image which may well consolidate everything you needed to know about Japan into one picture: Anna stands back to back with Sailor Suit Old Man, he then adopts his famed “cat claws” pose and Anna lifts her goggles just to smile enchantingly.

This is the featurette you didn’t know you’d been waiting for – the birth of an exciting new post-war cultural text and a new star. We’re overawed by the song and the catchy video, but we can’t help but think that Anna Yano should watch Oliver Stone’s Platoon, perhaps with Sailor Suit Old Man offering handy sagacious historical insights just to curb her hankerin’ for guns to a less dangerous level.

At the moment, if Harajuku issued everyone pink and white semi-automatics, a military faction would emerge that would scare the pants off everyone. This idea for a film screenplay, Lollipop Chaingun, is now TokyoDesu copyright.

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