Old Man Rental Service Now Available for Pennies on the Dollar

By George Art Baker

Occasionally when we sink into a spiritual morass of confusion, possibly sparked by losing at Tekken 6, we’re called to look deeply within ourselves at anything we might have overlooked in our lives. Well, there’s one possibility; the lack of a rented middle aged Japanese guy!
Yes folks, “Ossan Rental is here. Ossan is a kookie Japanese word, somewhere between “old geezer” and “funky uncle”. The service is tailored for women, but I’m sure guys could also benefit from their rent-a-gramp’s aged wisdom regarding what are the best defiantly loud exhaling noises to make when you sit down or start walking.

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Got Ossan?

Just visit the website, put an old gentleman in your online shopping basket and wait with bated breath for your elderly helper to arrive at your door.

You can choose between a legendary baseball player (born in 1947) or some fashion guy who looks like the kind of guy who’s so cool, he smiles genuinely even when you’ve already embarrassed everyone in the room because you use Japanese that 3 year olds taught you.

Because there are no current photos of old baseball player, he’s veiled in mystique, while fashion old guy seems useful for critiquing your cardigan and offering hand-me-down penny loafers .

"You'll never get any women until you learn to hike your pants up all the way to your nipples." (Via Shutterstock)

“You’ll never get any women until you learn to hike your pants up all the way to your nipples.”
(Via Shutterstock)

Some other blogs have suggested ultimate activities to do with these guys, but they all suck. So here’s a more definitive countdown:

5. Climb into the baggage hold above the seats on the Yamanote line, start shaking violently, shouting ‘Nimoy!’ and await him to speak softly to you in dulcet Ossan tones to pacify you.
4. Introduce him to your parents on Skype.
3. Go to the cinema and dig your nails into the old guy’s upper-arm anytime something scary happens.
2. Go to Starbucks with him with a live cat sellotaped to your head and gauge who gets the most eye contact.
1 . Go into a Yoshinoya, order a beef bowl, then start crying and get him to spoonfeed you pink ginger to bring you solace.

We hope this has been fruitful. Please let us know if you bag one of these bad-boys.

One thought on “Old Man Rental Service Now Available for Pennies on the Dollar

  1. Having travelled to various continents, I believe the best place to “bag” an old guy (known to my dishy sister and me as “Geezer) is Palm Springs, California which is sort of the elephants grave yard for men who survive their wives. They are constantly on the look out for women to wash their under ware and cook their meals. Can be known by their brilliantly white false teeth, their elaborate comb overs and their iron tight pre nuptial agreements. I was only an observer in this social ballet, having bagged my own young guy, 20 some odd years before.

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