You think your smiley faces are cutting it? Think again. Japanese ASCII emoticons are so bizarrely detailed and specific, you really don’t even need to use words anymore.
First, here’s somewhat worried but also a little disappointed.
Here’s “I want to broach a sensitive topic, but I’m not sure how.”
How about, “I’m taking a smoke break, but I’m also a little sleepy, so I’ll get back to you later.”
Or, “I’m having an adult beverage while pondering my circumstances and the world at large.”
And, “I just saw a Buzzfeed post about food,” or “I’m looking at porn. Give me a second, please.”
Also, “I’ll be in touch later. I just walked in on my parents having sex and need to go to the therapist.”
As well as, “This is so hilarious and/or disturbing, milk just rocketed out of my nose.”
Of course, if the situation calls for it, there’s: “I’ve just been kicked in the mouth by a rampaging Street Fighter character.”
And then there’s, “Chilling with a talking dog. You?”
“I’m so sorry!”
If necessary, you can use, “I swear to God if you tell anyone I’m selling crystal meth to finance my car wash business, I will murder you.”
And there’s always, “My head just literally popped right off. That’s how unbelievable that cat .gif was.”
Or, if you need to, “I’m eating all the food there possibly is to eat. Angrily.”
And, of course, the nuclear option: “Sorry I can’t get back to you, I’m chilling with Spiderman by the river.”