Something, Somewhere May Have Happened

Something of major importance may or may not have happened today, but you’ve no need to trouble yourself by learning about it.

We don’t know, or maybe we do, but by telling you we’d be risking ten years in prison under the impressively ambiguous new Protection of State Secrets Bill passed at 11.40pm yesterday.

At least a jail cell would be more spacious than the average Tokyo studio (pic: Shutterstock)

At least a jail cell would be more spacious than the average Tokyo studio (pic: Shutterstock)

In an age where every little trinket of our personal information is being trawled and stored by various government agencies and corporations it’s nice to know that action is at least being taken to protect somebody’s privacy. With the super handy states secret bill it will be much easier for the government to cover up any embarrassing information they don’t want the public to know. Best of all, when something is classified as a secret, the reason why it’s a secret can also be classified a secret!

We’re sure there are some minor negative consequences to consider, but since the bill is opposed by every major media organisation, the UN Human Rights Council and the majority of Japanese people, you’ve probably heard those trifling concerns already.

The new law isn't quite as convenient as mouth zips, but it's a step in the right direction (pic: Shutterstock)

The new law isn’t quite as convenient as mouth zips, but it’s a step in the right direction (pic: Shutterstock)

Though there is currently no independent body to ensure the new powers aren’t abused, we can all take assurance from the irrefutable trustworthiness of our government servants: Finance Minister Taro Aso, for example, who had the foresight to cleverly point out that Japan needed to “Learn from the Nazis” how to force through constitutional reform, and Secretary General Shigeru Ishiba, who observantly likened 10,000 peaceful protesters of the bill as “terrorists.”

Three cheers for democracy!

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